Is this the manhood?

I've just had a late-night 2-hour talk with my boss and this was truly a memorable thing so I need to put down a few things so that it stays here whenever I need it.

Things here came to a head lately. I had a hideous argument with one of my fellow AIESEC trainees and a few hours later on I realized what a good purpose it served. I suppose only then did she fully realize how unhappy she'd been here and so she faced the boss with an ultimatum: you raise my pay or I quit.

I was appalled by the way she did it since I believe that no matter how hard we're tried we must not resort to uncivilised behaviour. At this point, however, I must finally admit two things. I am very demanding because I've got extremely high standards (most likely only in some respects) for myself and I consciously or unconsciously expect the same from others. On top of that, all this while here with other trainees I've been harder on them than on the boss. I mean, before I came I knew the school was in a mess, the situation with my predecessor had been very bad as she said she would've skipped the whole thing had she known what she was in for. I could see her being a little one-sided though and I promised myself I would try my best to be as open as possible and most importantly, give the boss a chance to learn. I was committed to this promise so much that I probably forgot to give ample opportunity to my fellow trainees as well. Here and now, I want to acknowledge their point of view as they complain so often about how I set up things here.

This acknowledgment, on the other hand, must come hand in hand with another one. Being aware we are taught modesty is a virtue and my great great-aunt would bash me for this, I believe I must acknowledge that in certain ways I'm exceptionally talented (in some other ways I'm badly lacking, of course) and this makes me exceptionally successful. I also must acknowledge that I've got a great capacity to bear suffering and this is mainly due to two things I suppose. First, it's the fact that I suffered quite a bit throughout my childhood to my adolescent years and second, that I've found my faith. I study Christianity and Buddhism and in both suffering is presumed to have enormous meaning and is often, as far as I understand it, treated as a gift of a sort:

The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances - to add a deeper meaning to his life. He may remain brave, dignified, and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his sufferings or not.

Viktor Frankl, via Daily Dig

Finally, I've got this inner drive or passion to be a change agent, I strive to perfect myself as well as my surroundings but I often forget to take account of how others feel about it. I often find myself challenging others' world views and putting them in a different perspective to such an extent that I forget to listen well. I want them to learn by questioning the very basics of their beliefs and opinions? This I realize is unbearable pressure for most.

I feel so good now about the talk because I believe that at last some crucial learning took place there. I was trying to argue that the school should by no means take on more AIESEC trainees because they immediately find themselves too dependent, and consequently very vulnerable. Since AIESEC is too far and too silent and invisible in our daily lives and the boss has no tangible power distance from us, whatever problems the trainees face, he ends up dealing with them too. It is no fair for either party to land up in such difficult and painful situations and I managed to reason that the boss should see it this way.

I think it's obvious that the organization as a whole is sick and I'm slowly coming to realize my part in it. During the talk I suggested that it's been actually sick even during those days of blooming success but it only emerged when female trainees came since they are, for safety issues alone, much more dependant than their male counterparts. This sickness, however, may be closely related to that of AIESEC. There is no working partnership between the three parties involved. For all the big words, I suspect, AIESEC sometimes forget the little things that often make the whole difference. But then again, what would you expect from a bunch of students who volunteer for a fanciful vision? Most of the time I've been just plain grateful that I got this opportunity at all.

Anyway, AIESEC is supposed to be a platform for developing leaders and I think it works that way tremendously. Leaders are not as much born as they are forged and so the only thing I can say about leadership for sure is that it's something extremely difficult that doesn't come without a continuous and conscious effort. The rest might be just a wild guess but I'll have a shot at it anyway. I presume a leader must be..

.. prepared to face enormous expectations from others and put their needs before hers,
.. selfless and generous without expecting much from others as individuals because her rewards are often intangible and tightly bound to the unseen whole,
.. extremely open and able to deal with a high degree of uncertainty,
.. able to listen well to others, and more importantly to her own heart,
.. accountable to others, and more importantly to her own conscience.

Come to think of it though, I'm not too sure if I don't confuse leaders with men:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling, If